As writers, we suffer (or laugh) our way through a number of questions, comments, and looks.
So I decided to grace a number of questions with my own sarcastic answers.
Things I’ve been asked (in various ways):
- How is your book selling? It would do better if you and everyone else who has said they’d love a copy actually bought it.
- You’re the writer, do what you want with your plot. If it were only so simple. Writing the words doesn’t mean that is what happened. I know my characters well enough without you telling me how to deal with them, thank you very much.
- Do people like your book? Of course. I’m the best writer in the world and everyone loves my stuff. Would you like to buy a copy? GO READ THE AMAZON OR GOODREADS REVIEWS, PEOPLE. It’s less awkward on all counts.
- What do you mean a character isn’t listening? Just write the words. *smiles sweetly* I’ll deal with my children on my own, thank you very much.
- I always wanted to write a book. Good for you. I’ve always wanted to go water-skiing.
- Writing a book always seems like fun. *strangles a sobbing laugh* Nice. Glad you think so. Obviously no one told you about the muttering and pacing and characters not talking and the emotional connections that seep into everyday life. You want fun? Read a book, don’t write one.
Moving on to other questions that I’ve collected from others (and added my own replies cause it’s too much fun)
- Why self-publish if you could find a publisher? Why work at MacDonald’s when you could start your own business?
- Do you sell your books? No. I write them, and create one copy, and put it on my self to look at and never open. No one else is allowed to buy them.
- When are you going to find a real job? Care to explain what you mean by that word ‘real’?
- I have an idea you can use. Really? I mean…REALLY? You do realize we have more ideas than we could write in five lifetimes.
Or, even worse…
- Can I tell you about a really great idea for a book I have? You can write it and I’ll share the royalties with you. You have no idea the effort it takes to write a book, do you? How about you pay me $8 an hour, then I’ll consider it.
- Have you published anything? Does it make me less of a writer if I haven’t?
- Why bother, if you’re not making any money? Firstly, you know nothing of why writers write. Secondly, you know nothing of why writers write. Thirdly, you know nothing of why writers write.
- When are you going to really get published? (Aka, traditional publisher) Why do you assume I want to relinquish independence of my book?
- You’re a writer? But you also stay home, right? I’ve always wanted to write a book but I have a job, so don’t have time. Excuse ME. I have two part-time jobs and a number of siblings. I can’t write as much as before but if you want to find time to write, you can. Many others have done it. So do you.
- You were smart to become a writer. Authors make tons of money. How much do you average? Why? Are you going to tell me what you make? Never mind; I don’t care. And neither should you.
- What do you mean your characters talk to you? It happens; I can’t explain it. And if I try, it’s either because I actually care enough to try to show you or because I love watching the bafflement on your face. Probably the latter.
- Writing is a pretty easy job, right? *flat stare* Once again, you know nothing about writing.
- Is it true you’ll kill me in your next book if I make you mad? Death is hardly the worst thing you will suffer. I will make you an annoying character that everyone hates. Then I may kill you. Or I may let you wander off and live a miserable life.
- Oh, you write? Awesome! But shouldn’t you be thinking about college and a career? What exactly do you think writing is again? Do you have any idea what we learn and go through in the name of research?
- You’re still doing that? Um, yeah. I am. Are you still breathing?
What about you? What are some of your ‘favorite’ questions that you get asked as a writer?