I should have known it wouldn’t last.
I…had known.
Squeezing my eyes tight, I stood in the center of the Ravenskeep, wings fluttering around me like the whispers of my mind.
You really thought he’d come, Cryth? You thought he’d be here because of a childhood promise?
No.
Not because of a promise, made when we were both too young to realize how the world would change. The bindings surrounding that promise though? The dreams and plans and tears?
Yes. The admittance feels like a betrayal of myself, my comrade, and the friendship we once had all at once. Yes, I thought Tain would come. He should have come. He…
Maybe he’ll be here yet.
I open my eyes. Broken walls wrap around me in the shape of a small keep, the stones tumbled in piles here and there. Straight ahead, the door faces the west where the sun streams red along the horizon.
Ravens perch in empty windows, watching me.
Maybe Tain is late. He has a family now, after all. He has other battles to fight.
Shouldn’t this be one of them? A brotherhood beyond what this world can break.
I draw a breath through my teeth, easing the ache in my throat.
No. It’s selfish to think this should matter to him. That I should matter. It’s…
Rifts, but is it selfish?
We were all each other had, when we were apprentices. The ones made to walk a mile each night to feed the ravens while the older boys huddled close to the fire and finished off the meager dinner if we were late in returning.
Both of us without families. Without friends.
That’s where it started. A pact of brotherhood.
We dreamed of going to war together. Of finding treasure. Of taming dragons and riding them to the edge of the world.
Then we became squires. Tain, a month before me. Those weeks were hard. There were others to speak to. To laugh with. But my brother was gone and the world was a darker place for it.
My turn came.
My knight was a comrade to Tain’s and we were back again. The shadow passed, but maybe not the memory.
I think…I think I may have known, even then.
We promised each other, after that. In the simple terms of youths, barely out of childhood. We would always be brothers.
Until death.
Together, we saw war for the first time. We wept and we laughed. We teased and betted on who would start a family first.
Again, it ended up being Tain.
Though the shadow returned before that, when Tain’s knight died. Tain could have stayed on at the same camp, maybe, but he claimed it carried too many memories. Too much sorrow. So he found another knight and left.
Pain, greater than brotherhood? I didn’t understand, but I trusted he knew what was best. Besides, we needed space as we grew, to becoming the soldiers we were meant to be. So we promised each other we would meet once a year at the Ravenskeep. Come what may.
War visited our lands. We both fought at our own fronts. Became soldiers. Sent each other messages via raven when we could.
Tain sent me accounts of his fights. Bitter, brutal ones. He had new comrades to support him and I was glad. At least, I tried to be glad.
The battles I faced were different. More lonesome. The ravens were my companions, but eventually I found others too.
They weren’t brothers, but they eased the shadow.
We didn’t meet at the Ravenskeep that year. Tain was caught in yet another battle. The next year, I traveled to his village instead of the keep, and watched him marry a woman who I knew instantly would treasure him.
The shadow shifted. Staying yet…changing.
The world was changing. Tain. Me.
The year after that, we did meet, with the ravens as our witnesses, but Tain was quieter than normal. We laughed a little about our dreams of dragons and treasure. But there was pain in the laughter.
Brothers still, but not in the way we’d once thought. We had different homes. Different lives. We’d never explore the unknown together.
And that was…it simply was.
Tain left early and I watched him walk along the road below, shoulders slumped.
With him went the last fragments of hope for the dreams we once shared. I hadn’t realized I held them still, and I ached for them. For the brothers we’d wanted to be.
Then, slowly, finally, I built new dreams.
The next year, we didn’t meet at Ravenskeep. Tain’s family was growing. Mine had just begun.
I sent ravens every so often. At first, he replied. Then the replies slowed. Until they stopped coming.
Traders from his village assured me he was well. He sang at the inn. Healed injuries. He had a toddling boy and a baby girl.
He was just busy, I told myself. He had a family to tend. Others in the village to help. And I…I was what?
Why should he spend time on me?
I missed our banter and wagers. I missed grumbling to him about the newest idiotic decision handed down via a general. Those weren’t important things though. They were just…
They were…
Rifts, but they mattered.
Maybe they shouldn’t matter, but they did. They do.
Back in the Ravenskeep, I step toward the door. The sun has vanished, leaving only an afterglow like the fading wisps of friendship.
I sent a last message, telling Tain I’d be here. That I’d be waiting.
Below me, the road is empty.
He didn’t come.
Idiot. You knew he wouldn’t come.
My eyes burn, but I refuse to blink
Selfish. He has a life. Why do you keep pestering?
No.
We had dreams and life got in the way. Pain came. Pain in brotherhood as brotherhood changed.
But…that’s life, isn’t it?
What we had was worth the pain. Worth feeling it. Fighting through it. Step by aching step.
Not for someone to banter with, but for a soul in kinship. For the knowledge that the invisible bonds mattered. Knowing that someone saw you and still remained.
Tain could have come. He’s chosen not to.
Not because he’s seen who I’ve become and rejected me. Not even because he doesn’t care. I know the truth, though I don’t want to admit it.
He hasn’t come because he sees the death of our dreams when he sees the Ravenskeep. When he sees me.
It’s like when he left the camp after his knight died, instead of bearing the grief with comrades at his side.
He preferred to go elsewhere. To not be reminded of the pain. To ignore the hurts in the hope they’ll fade.
Has it worked, Tain? Did you think we could keep something so precious without fighting for it? Without hurting? Do you think the pain will fade if you keep me at a distance, and that one day you can show back up and I’ll still be here. Waiting?
The ache inside my chest grows warmer. Tighter. Hot.
Isn’t it worth fighting for. Wasn’t…I worth fighting for?
Then the heat shatters and I finally let the tears slip down my face as the sun’s glow fades. Stars twinkle high above.
It’s not…
It’s not even about Tain. Not quite.
He was the first one I believed when he promised he’d stick by my side. He is the reason I began to trust again.
If I’m wrong about him…
Rifts.
It’s unfair of me. Unfair for him. But there it is.
If the pain of broken dreams is greater than the worth of brotherhood to him, then what hope is there of anyone else?
No.
I set my jaw, staring into the darkness.
Pain. War. Fighting.
We’ve both seen it. We’ve both changed, in our different ways. It made me ready for this fight. Maybe it did the opposite to Tain.
It doesn’t matter.
This isn’t about what’s fair. Or what ought to be.
It’s about a brother who is hurting.
One I swore to stick beside for as long as I live.
I step onto the road. At the fork below, I turn away from my village. Toward his.
Because this brotherhood is worth pain. Worth weariness and awkwardness. It’s worth winning, no matter how many battles I lose.
And if my journey here has taught me anything, it’s taught me this.
It’s taught me how to fight.
